burningblossoms | Recolle Inbox

I'm not ready to let other people know.
I can't tell the world

It wasn't like I was keeping it a secret just from her
I told her as soon as I realized I needed to

That isn't good enough, Naoto.
Why are you so bothered by your gender?

Lying to one person or lying to the entire world, it doesn't make any difference, it's still a lie.

Since you asked for my advice, based on everything you've told me, the best advice I really have is to accept yourself before you start trying to patch things up with this girl. Because if you don't, it'll just happen again.

I don't see how that's anyone's business but mine.

[There's a bit of a few minutes' pause before she sends the next message.]

That was probably overly harsh, I apologize.
It is, however... very personal to me. I can't just change that.

Any more than you can fundamentally change who you are.

[And that response is borderline offensive to Yukiko and just highlights the problem even more.]

Personal or not, you came to me.

I don't take offense but you being overly harsh and secretive of this is why you are having this difficulty. You seem to forget that I don't know why you're doing it or why you are so protective of it. You have never told me why, but that's your right.

I will be brutally honest here: my advice is to stop hiding your true self. And I don't just mean gender. I mean be who you are.

If you feel that you are a boy, then you are? People will accept that you are transitioning. But if you feel you are a girl then be a girl. You don't have to wear dresses and makeup and conform to a stereotype. If you're nonbinary or something that's fine too.

But if you want to have friendships like Ayano, or have acquaintances like me, you absolutely need to be willing to share. Or people will feel like you're lying to them or looking down on them.

I don't know what my true self is.

That's not an exaggeration, I don't think.
I have my reasons for doing this here. My other self... I think they did it, too.
But then they changed at some point? Perhaps?

I moved out of the suburbs so that I could reinvent myself like this.
Not wanting to divulge the secret to everyone I meet isn't the same as lying to everyone.

That doesn't mean it won't be taken as such by someone that knows you well.

Or thinks they do.

Naoto, you need to open up to people if you want them to stand with you as anything with more meaning than just someone passing through your life.

And that goes double for someone who you enjoy talking to.

I have, haven't I? I told the others. I told her the moment I realized I needed to.

But I can't just trust everyone I meet, everyone I speak to. Don't I need to learn someone and feel that I can trust them before I tell them my most guarded secrets?

You told the group bits of it because you had to, but you came at me with more than a little hostility before you explained anything and left me wondering if you hated me for a month.

Naoto, I'm sorry that you're in this situation, but there isn't a quick fix for this. If you like her company and want her to trust you then you have to show the same trust. Trust obviously goes both ways, and if she's showed her vulnerable side to you then it's probably worth doing the same to her.

I'm not saying shout it to the rooftops that you're a girl if it's that important that you appear to be a boy, but open up about it with the people you care about before it becomes absolutely necessary. If you wait till then, it is going to seem like a betrayal of trust because they never really knew you at all, and like you're only trying to save yourself potential embarrassment. That's showing them your true self, and if you want to make and keep close friends, you have to do that.

The only possible fix is time, and you have to ask her to forgive you. And hope that she does.

I was angry with you because, from my perspective, you were telling people something I try to keep private. Obviously, that was a misunderstanding and I corrected my view of the matter.

I suppose the threshold at which I'm comfortable telling someone this reality is significantly further along than the threshold at which they feel betrayed at not having learned it. I don't know what to do about that.

I just don't see why it matters so much. Aren't I the same person regardless of my gender?

I didn't ask her to develop feelings for me... I was trying to help her.

Well, it does matter. When affairs of the heart come into play.

You don't have to return her feelings, but you can't expect there to be a quick fix for that either.

Time will tell, that's all I can say. But this is the root of the trouble.

I do hope you can resolve it. I really do.

I don't understand those.
I never have.
Emotions are fickle and logical and irrational.
I hate this, Yukiko. It's frustrating.

[There's another long span of time.]

Thank you for the advice.

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